Yesterday I hit "my number" on the scale. You know the number I'm talking about. Everyone has a number. That number that sits in the back of your head each time you weigh on the scale. It may be the weight you were when you graduated high school, or the weight you were before your first baby, the weight you were on your wedding day, or the weight you were before last year's vacation.
Yeah, that's the number I'm talking about and I hit my number yesterday. Oddly, it's not one of those "5" or "10" numbers and it's not even close to my ideal weight. It's the weight I was the day my daddy passed away. It's the weight I was before I gained 17 pounds in 2 months. It's the weight I was before I had to admit to myself that I found comfort in food. For me, yesterday's weight was not about the number on the scale but rather about the condition of my heart.
I can remember clearly driving home from my sweet daddy's funeral and telling my husband that I didn't want to gain weight like I always did in stressful situations. I had worked hard to lose a few pounds of baby weight (again) and I really meant what I was saying. But the problem was that I hadn't dealt with my heart. My heart was broken and my heart was looking for comfort.
Now, I'm not saying that I cried in corner and ate chips for 2 months to gain 17 pounds (I mean, seriously, who has time for that when you're a mom) but I stopped putting my health first and I allowed my broken heart to lead to broken choices. I stopped caring about myself and my body and neglected to make decisions that would make me healthy for my children and husband. One poor choice after another added up until I weighed one day and saw my broken heart staring back at me through those numbers.
Although I'm just thankful that I made it through those difficult months (because grief is a crazy thing), I am also mindful that I chose food to comfort me on many occasions when I should have run into God's arms for comfort. It's tough to say those words out loud but I see it clearly now. My Heavenly Father was there the whole time waiting for me to turn to him in my grief. He was patient and gentle as he watched me learn my lesson. He wasn't condescending or superior when I admitted to him that I needed His help. He guided me through His Word and gave me answers to my deep questions and fears, and He hasn't judged me when I've made mistakes.
Those 17 pounds were the hardest pounds I've ever lost. Over the last year and a half since my daddy passed, I've been through injuries and sore muscles. I've read healthy eating books and I've written out every verse in the Bible that deals with food. I've learned that being healthy isn't being skinny and I've learned that food is fuel and "diet" food isn't always good for you. I have run hundreds of miles and I'm finding the peace in my heart that only God can give. I sure do miss my Daddy and my life will never be the same. But, now my purpose has changed and I know that God's plan for me is to be healthy and vibrant and to be a reflection of Him.
I don't even know what my next goal will be on this journey. It probably won't even be about weight. But, one thing I am certain of is who I will run to when I'm weak and who I will run to when I'm strong. My Heavenly Daddy. And I know He is super proud of me. (Oh, and my other Daddy up there in Heaven has to be pretty proud too!)
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Where Did The Summer Go?
Yesterday, I attended orientation at our school and every mom that I spoke to was asking the same question..."Where did the summer go?" Many of us moms had started the summer apprehensively, armed with our lists and plans for a full summer, yet there we were, one week from school starting and wondering how the summer had passed so quickly.
It made me spend some time reflecting on how our family had spent our summer. Like many moms this year, I spent hours creating our "Summer Bucket List" and planning crafts and activities before the summer even began. Let's just say...OVER AMBITIOUS. I mean, I had even planned to make solar ovens out of pizza boxes and make glow-in-the-dark chalk and slime. (Seriously, during the summer in Florida it gets dark after 9 and we are totally in bed by then. What was I thinking?)
In reality, we had a busy summer but every day wasn't filled with crafts and activities like I had planned. Even though we did many fun things on our bucket list, honestly, there were many more days this summer where we were just a family trying to get through the day. There were days when the boys watched too much TV and there were times when I spent more hours correcting poor behavior than I spent encouraging good behavior. There were times where facing another summer day with four boys seemed impossible. And, there were days when quiet time became mandatory for everyone under 35 years of age.
Summer days for our family are like any other day in our home. It's survival with a purpose. Yes I said it...survival. Let's face it, when you wake up each morning with six different personalities, you never know which way the day is going to go. The character-building opportunities that are presented before breakfast in our family are more than some families experience in a whole day. But, the difference is that there is a purpose that guides our daily survival. My job is to raise young men that love God and love others. Sometimes that purpose gets buried under the mundane daily tasks of a big family, but it is the underlying heartbeat of our family.
When I thought about it today, I realized that my "Summer Bucket List" could not dictate the activities of our summer because what we learned this summer could not have been anticipated. I learned that one of my son's loves to dance and I learned that my boys love to jump on the trampoline in the rain. I found out that my boys enjoy card games and are not too old for "Go Fish" and "Old Maid." I found out that my two youngest sons adore each other even though they fight too much. I successfully taught my son's how to handle weekly chores (even though we are still working on doing it without attitude). And, even though my older boys didn't read 20 minutes a day, we found book series that they both love.
So, when it comes down to it, our summer was a success. I feel like our family knows and appreciates each other more and many beautiful memories were made. Our memories may not be documented on paper but they are tangible in our hearts. And, now I know the answer to the question, "Where did the summer go?" It was spent building and loving my boys just like any other day of the year.
It made me spend some time reflecting on how our family had spent our summer. Like many moms this year, I spent hours creating our "Summer Bucket List" and planning crafts and activities before the summer even began. Let's just say...OVER AMBITIOUS. I mean, I had even planned to make solar ovens out of pizza boxes and make glow-in-the-dark chalk and slime. (Seriously, during the summer in Florida it gets dark after 9 and we are totally in bed by then. What was I thinking?)
In reality, we had a busy summer but every day wasn't filled with crafts and activities like I had planned. Even though we did many fun things on our bucket list, honestly, there were many more days this summer where we were just a family trying to get through the day. There were days when the boys watched too much TV and there were times when I spent more hours correcting poor behavior than I spent encouraging good behavior. There were times where facing another summer day with four boys seemed impossible. And, there were days when quiet time became mandatory for everyone under 35 years of age.
Summer days for our family are like any other day in our home. It's survival with a purpose. Yes I said it...survival. Let's face it, when you wake up each morning with six different personalities, you never know which way the day is going to go. The character-building opportunities that are presented before breakfast in our family are more than some families experience in a whole day. But, the difference is that there is a purpose that guides our daily survival. My job is to raise young men that love God and love others. Sometimes that purpose gets buried under the mundane daily tasks of a big family, but it is the underlying heartbeat of our family.
When I thought about it today, I realized that my "Summer Bucket List" could not dictate the activities of our summer because what we learned this summer could not have been anticipated. I learned that one of my son's loves to dance and I learned that my boys love to jump on the trampoline in the rain. I found out that my boys enjoy card games and are not too old for "Go Fish" and "Old Maid." I found out that my two youngest sons adore each other even though they fight too much. I successfully taught my son's how to handle weekly chores (even though we are still working on doing it without attitude). And, even though my older boys didn't read 20 minutes a day, we found book series that they both love.
So, when it comes down to it, our summer was a success. I feel like our family knows and appreciates each other more and many beautiful memories were made. Our memories may not be documented on paper but they are tangible in our hearts. And, now I know the answer to the question, "Where did the summer go?" It was spent building and loving my boys just like any other day of the year.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
When You Compare, You Compete
This has been a motto in our home since we heard it a few months ago from one of our favorite pastors. I'm not sure if it is having children that are the same gender, but my kids compare all of the time...their servings of potatoes, the amount of water in the cups I give them, and even the amount of time they get with their parents. If I've heard "that's not fair" once, I've heard it 1,000 times. So, when we heard this statement, it hit home. We don't want our children comparing themselves because they are all so unique and different and have different needs. Now, when one of my kids compares something we will all say, "When you compare, you compete and we don't compete because we are all on the same team." Don't get me wrong, I know there are times when competition is good and necessary, but the comparative thinking I'm talking about is the battle that takes place in the mind. I learned this all to well today.
This morning, I ran in a "Choose Your Distance" race with a friend. Basically, you could choose the distance you wanted to run and a path was given to you, with everyone finishing at the same time and place. Choices included 1 Mile, 5K, 10K, or 10 miles. Everyone chose their race and ran it how they felt comfortable. Some ran the whole way while others walked/ran. My friend and I ran the 5K together, but even though we were there for each other, there were times that we ran at our own pace. Since this was her first 5K and my first in years, we were super proud of ourselves when we finished. We started and finished early (because we didn't know how long it would take us) and even got a chance to take a picture together before the rest of the ladies finished.
But my excitement was short lived. Something happened to me as I watched all of the other participants come in. I was so proud of each one of them, but instead of noticing the similarities we share, I started comparing myself to them. They were so fit. They were so fast. They were so knowledgeable. And, I had barely pulled myself across the finish line. I consider myself a mature, wise person and I know better, but all at once, my feeling of pride was swallowed up by my lack of confidence. It happened in a moment and it stole my joy. Then, the negative self talk started. "You will never be that fast." "Why did you even come?" "Look how far you have to go." Then, the tears started. Man, it feels like every part of this weight loss journey includes tears. It is shaping my very character.
"Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that easily trips us up. And, LET US RUN WITH ENDURANCE THE RACE GOD HAS SET BEFORE US." Hebrews 12:1
This morning, I ran in a "Choose Your Distance" race with a friend. Basically, you could choose the distance you wanted to run and a path was given to you, with everyone finishing at the same time and place. Choices included 1 Mile, 5K, 10K, or 10 miles. Everyone chose their race and ran it how they felt comfortable. Some ran the whole way while others walked/ran. My friend and I ran the 5K together, but even though we were there for each other, there were times that we ran at our own pace. Since this was her first 5K and my first in years, we were super proud of ourselves when we finished. We started and finished early (because we didn't know how long it would take us) and even got a chance to take a picture together before the rest of the ladies finished.
But my excitement was short lived. Something happened to me as I watched all of the other participants come in. I was so proud of each one of them, but instead of noticing the similarities we share, I started comparing myself to them. They were so fit. They were so fast. They were so knowledgeable. And, I had barely pulled myself across the finish line. I consider myself a mature, wise person and I know better, but all at once, my feeling of pride was swallowed up by my lack of confidence. It happened in a moment and it stole my joy. Then, the negative self talk started. "You will never be that fast." "Why did you even come?" "Look how far you have to go." Then, the tears started. Man, it feels like every part of this weight loss journey includes tears. It is shaping my very character.
The tears continued until I got home and took a shower. My heart was broken and I allowed the enemy to consume my mind. I sobbed and sobbed in the shower until one of my sons walked in and asked me if I was OK. It was my wake up call. I realized what I was doing so I started quoting scriptures to build up my faith. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Chor 12:9 "You are the head and not the tail." Deuteronomy 28:13
What I realized as I began to think clearly (after my hubby let me cry in his shirt) is that just like the race I ran this morning, we all have our own individual race to run in this life. My journey is different than every single person in this world because it is exclusive to me. I've had incredible challenges and hurts in my life, along with many triumphs. And, if I were to talk to each one of those ladies, I would find out that each of them has a story. Each of them has experienced disappointments and defeats, and each has enjoyed success in some area.
Comparing myself to others only brings division and is destructive. It will only allow the enemy a way to take away to beauty of what God is doing in me. My weight loss path is individual. It may take longer than others and it will require that I do things differently than others. Never the less, it is mine. It is drawing me closer to my maker and is making me realize that I need him more than ever. He has loved me unconditionally through every stage of my life and my heart's desire is to make my "Daddy" proud.
"Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that easily trips us up. And, LET US RUN WITH ENDURANCE THE RACE GOD HAS SET BEFORE US." Hebrews 12:1
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Me, a Workout Mom? NO WAY!
With 4 children under the age of 10, I've done my time in the preschool scene. We've done Dr. Seuss week countless times, book fairs, orientations and end of the year parties. I have necklaces made out of flowers, pasta, and beads and we've celebrated the 100th day of school by counting candy, paper clips, cereal, and even Lego men. Let's just say, we've done the preschool thing and we've enjoyed every bit of it.
During my many hours in the car drop-off and pick-up line, I've noticed that we preschool moms can be classified into 3 categories: Head-to-toe Mom, Workout Mom, and Survival mom.
(Before I go too far, can you guess which one I consider myself to be?)
Head-to-Toe Mom: Every preschool has at least one of these moms. You know her, the mom who gets out of her car to walk in her darling with every hair in place, full makeup, and cute sandals (not flip-flops) that actually match her adorable outfit. She's groomed and looks great. Many times I've looked out of my window and imagined her rushing to/from her part-time job, trying to make a little money before she picked up her little one for the afternoon. Who knows what her story is. Whether or not she's working or just takes pride in her appearance. All I know is that there is 100% chance that she wakes up at least an hour before I do every morning.
Workout Mom: Seems to me like this kind of mom is gaining more popularity these days. Workout moms, you know who you are! You can spot a workout mom because they wear their sneakers and running shorts, and usually a pony tail. Preschool offers the workout mom a chance to take a few minutes to exercise and feel better about herself. She's the kind of mom who works hard to keep herself in shape and curiously looks better in her workout clothes than the Head-to-Toe mom looks in her work clothes.
Survival Mom: Yep, you guessed it...I'm a Survival Mom extraordinaire. Oh, the Survival Mom. You've gotta love her! She's the kind of mom that wakes up just in time to get her little ones fed, dressed, and out the door. She's not hard to identify because she is usually wearing a pair of sweat pants or jeans that she pulled on seconds before she got in the minivan, along with flip-flops and a slightly messy pony tail. Teeth brushing is optional but she usually has a cup of coffee in her hand. God Bless the Survival Mom. She's doing her best, but is super busy and doesn't always take time to take care of herself.
I've always considered myself a Survival Mom, but this classification has been challenged lately. You see, I started working out with some awesome "Workout Moms" about 5 weeks ago through Jacksonville Stroller Strength. Surprisingly, I've found myself wearing workout clothes while dropping my kids off at school (I still have a slightly messy pony tail though). I'm enjoying working out so much and am loving that my little guys get a chance to see their mom getting strong and healthy. I am getting to know other moms who value health and who are intelligent, encouraging, and incredibly kind.
In the last 5 weeks, I've had to repent for every classifying preschool moms in any way. When it comes down to it, we are all moms. On any given day we could be any one of the three moms above. The Workout Mom may have a sick kid and find herself at home in those flip flops just trying to survive. The Head-to-Toe Mom might enjoy her day off by going for a much needed run in the park with her kiddos. And, the Survival Mom. Well, she might even pull out that lip gloss out of the bottom of her purse for a teacher conference or lunch date with her hubby.
Whether we put a greater emphasis on health, looks, or sleep, when it comes down to it, we're all doing our best to take care of our families while taking care of ourselves. Moms, in any package, are the strength of their families. It's not an easy job, but it's the best job in the world and the benefits are eternal.
During my many hours in the car drop-off and pick-up line, I've noticed that we preschool moms can be classified into 3 categories: Head-to-toe Mom, Workout Mom, and Survival mom.
(Before I go too far, can you guess which one I consider myself to be?)
Head-to-Toe Mom: Every preschool has at least one of these moms. You know her, the mom who gets out of her car to walk in her darling with every hair in place, full makeup, and cute sandals (not flip-flops) that actually match her adorable outfit. She's groomed and looks great. Many times I've looked out of my window and imagined her rushing to/from her part-time job, trying to make a little money before she picked up her little one for the afternoon. Who knows what her story is. Whether or not she's working or just takes pride in her appearance. All I know is that there is 100% chance that she wakes up at least an hour before I do every morning.
Workout Mom: Seems to me like this kind of mom is gaining more popularity these days. Workout moms, you know who you are! You can spot a workout mom because they wear their sneakers and running shorts, and usually a pony tail. Preschool offers the workout mom a chance to take a few minutes to exercise and feel better about herself. She's the kind of mom who works hard to keep herself in shape and curiously looks better in her workout clothes than the Head-to-Toe mom looks in her work clothes.
Survival Mom: Yep, you guessed it...I'm a Survival Mom extraordinaire. Oh, the Survival Mom. You've gotta love her! She's the kind of mom that wakes up just in time to get her little ones fed, dressed, and out the door. She's not hard to identify because she is usually wearing a pair of sweat pants or jeans that she pulled on seconds before she got in the minivan, along with flip-flops and a slightly messy pony tail. Teeth brushing is optional but she usually has a cup of coffee in her hand. God Bless the Survival Mom. She's doing her best, but is super busy and doesn't always take time to take care of herself.
I've always considered myself a Survival Mom, but this classification has been challenged lately. You see, I started working out with some awesome "Workout Moms" about 5 weeks ago through Jacksonville Stroller Strength. Surprisingly, I've found myself wearing workout clothes while dropping my kids off at school (I still have a slightly messy pony tail though). I'm enjoying working out so much and am loving that my little guys get a chance to see their mom getting strong and healthy. I am getting to know other moms who value health and who are intelligent, encouraging, and incredibly kind.
In the last 5 weeks, I've had to repent for every classifying preschool moms in any way. When it comes down to it, we are all moms. On any given day we could be any one of the three moms above. The Workout Mom may have a sick kid and find herself at home in those flip flops just trying to survive. The Head-to-Toe Mom might enjoy her day off by going for a much needed run in the park with her kiddos. And, the Survival Mom. Well, she might even pull out that lip gloss out of the bottom of her purse for a teacher conference or lunch date with her hubby.
Whether we put a greater emphasis on health, looks, or sleep, when it comes down to it, we're all doing our best to take care of our families while taking care of ourselves. Moms, in any package, are the strength of their families. It's not an easy job, but it's the best job in the world and the benefits are eternal.
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